5 Beauty Products I Would Prefer Not To Know My Date Was Using
February 17, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Everyone makes that extra effort to make themselves look beautiful when you first start dating. Afterall, you want to make a good impression, you want to attract the person you’re dating, and you also want to make sure you feel confident - which is much easier when you feel beautiful.
I accept that there are many regimes that people go through in order to aid this, but there are definitely things that go on behind closed bathroom doors that I would prefer not to know about. I know some women do the following things, and I appreciate the effort that’s put into making yourself more attractive…but I would really like to pretend that you’re beautiful without knowing what you go through to get the end result.
Here are 5 beauty products I would rather not know you were using…but sometimes am quite thankful that you are.
5. Fake Tan
I find nothing unattractive about women with pale skin; especially as the only possible tan I could get is from the glare of my PC monitor. If however I’m going to date a woman that is tanned, I would prefer to believe that the tan is a natural one. I don’t mind if there are parts of the skin that remain white due to sunbathing in a bikini, that’s completely fine, but I would like it if you didn’t give the effect of having spent two weeks on a sunny beach when all you have done is wiped yourself down with a bottle of some strange substance….especially if that substance may rub off on me when we’re in the middle of something hot and sweaty.
I know some of you also hate to use the bottled stuff so instead of a spray tan you go onto a sunbed…but I don’t want to know this either. I still want to have the illusion that you have been away somewhere exotic and your looks are natural…or as natural as burning your skin can look.
Even if you’ve been to Cornwall for a two week vacation…just pretend it was a really sunny place to go and it was okay to sunbathe in the nude. Thanks.
4. Silicone Bra Insert
This is one product I really don’t understand. I understand why women where backless bras with certain dresses, and even why they would wear push-up bras, but actually using an insert to pretend they have something more than they do just seems odd to me. I get that women have different sized breasts, and that’s okay. I also get that women may gain confidence if they appear to be bigger than they are. I do not, however, understand why they think these things are a good idea when going out on dates.
I went shopping with a friend once and she wanted to buy some of these, and they really do look like a bag of chicken that you’re about to put in the microwave. If I go on a date and things go well, imagine how awkward it would be if we went back to my apartment and you had to go through the embarassment of telling me that you’ve actually got something in your bra other than what it appears…and no, I can’t stick it in the microwave for a mid-session snack.
Why not just be who you are from the start. If I don’t like you for your breast size then it’s not your loss…you should find a man who respects the fact you’re not as well developed as some other women.
Think of it this way…how would you feel if I stuffed something down my trousers and you later find out the jumbo hotdog you ordered was in fact a chipolata?
3. Waxing
Hair removal is natural…we all do it. I shave, pull the occassional hair from my nostril, participate in topiary every now and then…that sort of thing.
I know that you do it to. I know that you probably had a bath before our date and so shaved your legs and armpits. You possibly plucked your eyebrows and bleached your moustache.
I’m grateful for that.
However, I hate the idea of your having waxed. I can handle the shaving, the plucking and even the bleaching; yet sticking hot wax on your bikini regions and ripping out the hairs makes me wince (though probably less than it makes you wince while doing it).
I would prefer to think that you are naturally trimmed. I like to think that a woman’s body has natural areas where hair just doesn’t grow.
I do not wish to hear about your ordeals of doing this, I do not wish to watch you do this, and I do not wish to see a small strips of paper in the bathroom wastebin that has little bits of hairy wax stuck to it, thank you.
2. Ped Eggs
It’s summer, you’re looking lovely in that dress with matching sandals. Your feet look silky smooth as well, not like the callous, dry, dead skin looking feet that surround us. Do you walk anywhere or do you float on air wherever you go?
You use a Ped Egg you say? What’s that?
For those who don’t know, a Ped Egg is a little device that files the dead skin and calluses from your feet, handily storing anything it files inside the egg for future inspection prior to disposal.
Think a cheese grater for your feet.
Seriously…check this out - and just listen to that lovely scratching sound of feet being filed:
Now I see the need for it…and I understand why you may use it. I still wish to know nothing about it though…and certainly don’t wish to see the foot flakes!
This product, regardless of how disgusting it may appear, is getting great reviews. Going by Mo Rocca’s experience though I would certainly refrain from buying via the telephone sales route, and get it from Shopping Television, or Amazon (who have it located under kitchen and dining).
Not to be confused with a cheese grater!
1. Betty Beauty - color for the hair down there
As the tag line suggests, ‘Betty’ is a color dye for pubic hair.
Lovely.
I’m not a prude, and I don’t mind if you colour your hair - that’s fine. As with other things though, there are times when I just don’t need to know about it. If it looks natural then I’ll just go ahead and assume that it is. If you happen to have a different hair colour on top, I’ll just assume whatever is below is natural.
I don’t wish to see a bottle of Betty in your bathroom cabinet, thank you. This can be locked away with your fake tan spray.
I don’t know why this product should differ from normal hair colouring products…and can only assume that it does in some way or other. I don’t much care, neither. Is there seriously a need though?
Why can’t we go gray gracfully?
Surely anyone you’re willing to be intimate enough with will understand and be accepting of the fact your public hair may differ slightly to your head hair?
Please also explain to me why anyone who is self conscious enough to wish to dye their ‘hair down there’ would go out and buy the ‘fun’ version (shocking pink), or the ‘lucky St Patrick’ version (leprechaun green with a clover stencil!!!)?
5 Superhero powers I wish I possessed
February 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Wouldn’t it be great if we all had a super power!
Imagine how the world would be if you could do fly like Superman, change the weather like Storm, or stretch your body like Mr Fantastic.
More to the point, imagine how cool it would be to have a secret underground headquarters!
Yes, the world may turn into something resembling The X-Men, or Heroes…but we would get used to that with time and I’m sure everyone will eventually just be able to live in harmony with each other. There would be a day, sometime in the future, that a person would just envy the power of another person in the same way they may envy the personal traits people have nowadays.
Okay, maybe not - but I stand by the fact it would be cool…and I may still go ahead and design myself a costume. Just in case.
Alert-InsomniaThe ability to stay awake as long as I want, without feeling fatigued or having the lack of sleep affect my mental performance in any way.
This would be an amazing ability to have. No longer would you be sitting at the PC, heavily absorbed in something and making progress on a project when you suddenly realise it’s 1am and you have work the next morning so really should go to bed.
With this power I could stay awake all night if I wanted to, and still be fresh as a daisy the next day. I could sit up and play poker during those times when all of the drunk Americans are online and splashing their cash around. I could sit up and watch the whole season of Lost or 24 without having to turn the DVD off at the cliffhanger episode ending just to retire to the comfort of my bed.
I would get so much more done if I had this ability, that my life is bound to be more fulfilling.
Of course, there is a downside to this. How great is sleep? It’s actually quite a wonderful thing when you snuggle up in bed at the end of a long day and drift into that lovely unconscious state. Even better when you wake up at 5am on a Saturday morning, turn over with a little stretch and then just drink back into sleep, safe in the knowledge the alarm isn’t going to go off in the next few hours to violently awaken you from you slumber and push you back into the depths of working life.
Invisibility
The ability to prevent others from seeing you.
I’ll skip over the cliches of slipping into a women’s dressing room and jump straight into why this would be a cool superhero power to have.
With this ability you would be able to view life in a natural way. You know how someone acts when they don’t realise you’re watching? The whole world would be like this if you could watch them while invisible. It would allow you to gain amazing insight into other cultures, it would allow you to watch different species of wildlife in their natural environment without them being cautious, or threatened, by your presence. What an opportunity this power could bring to you!
Of course, there would be people who would just use this ability to spy on people, to gain free entry into different events and to act like complete perverts or theives. I like to think if I had this ability, though, that I would use it for the greater good.
This ability is shared by The Invisible Woman, Sebastian Caine, and Claude Rains
Stretchiness
The ability to stretch your limbs and contort your body in ways that aren’t natural.
Lost the TV remote? Who cares! You don’t need to get up to change the channel if you have stretchy arms - you can just reach out and turn it over from the comfort of the armchair. You can stroke the cat, turn the light off and close that draughty door while you’re at it.
Tying your shoelaces will be a doddle, as would rescuing a cat out of a tree. Playing ‘tag’ as a child would be the easiest thing in the world…and you would make one of the best goal keepers or basketball players in the world!
Downsides? I think that if you had the ability to stretch abnormally then you would probably start to get in the way of things. It’s all very well stretching across the road to post a letter, but what if a car suddenly came around the corner? Or perhaps you are giving your loved one a final kiss goodbye through a train window when your tie gets caught…you’ll be stretched from London to Brighton by the time you manage to get it untangled and that can’t be a good thing - you’ve seen how a tape measure recoils when freed - imagine if you did that!
Still…you would be impressive to the ladies.
This ability is shared by Mr Fantastic, The Elongated Man and Eugene Tooms.
Telepathy
The ability to read the thoughts of others.
I don’t want this ability if I can’t control it. I would hate to walk down Oxford Street and have to listen to the thoughts of everyone I walked past…it would drive a person crazy, I’m sure.
However, the ability to selectively know what a person was thinking would obviously have huge advantages in life.
No longer would you spend Christmas Eve trawling the shops desparately trying to find a gift that will suffice for your loved one…you’ll know well in advance what they are hoping for and can make your purcahse accordingly.
You would never be short of money. Just turn up somewhere for a game of poker and you’re bound to make the right decisions needed to walk away with bagfuls of cash.
Of course going through life knowing what other people think isn’t all good. Sure, you’ll make good decisions, and you’ll know if that girl in the bar likes you…but you’ll also find out what people really think of you, and what parts of you really annoy them. To start with this will be a little shock, but eventually these little things will build up and become quite obsessive to you. I’m sure you would end up pushing loved ones away due to tiny things that they hate about you.
It’s all very well being rich, and one step ahead of others - but what good is that if you’re lonely and paranoid?
This power is shared by Emma Frost and Nick Marshall
Teleportation
The ability to move from one location to another, instantaneously.
Think of what this ability could do for you! You wouldn’t need to spend hours commuting anymore…you can leave your home at the last minute and still get to your destination on time. Had a nice evening out and about to face a long walk home in the rain? Not if you could just teleport there!
Fancy a holiday in Australia but don’t want to spend a day on a plane? No problem, jump on board the teleportation-express and you’ll be there in a jiffy.
This ability would be the best thing ever! You would save so much time and money, which would allow you to be more productive and happier in life that there are simply no downsides.
Unless you teleported in front of an oncoming car…of course.
There’s a film out called ‘Jumper‘ just now which covers this ability, and in the film they are only allowed to teleport to a location where they have previously been. So you would need to actually go to Australia normally before you’re able to go there again via teleportation.
That would suck a littel. I would much rather be able to select a desination and go there.
Anyone fancy a take away Chinese meal tonight? I promise it’ll be very authentic!
This ability is shared by Nightcrawler and Misfit
